IN-PERSON IN TACOMA, WA | WA & FL ONLINE
Individual Therapy for Divorce & Separation
For when the relationship has ended—or might—and you're still trying to figure out what actually happened.
You don't want reassurance. You want to understand what happened.
Did I do enough? Did I want too much? What if I had pushed less, or opened up more? What if there was one thing I didn't understand that could have changed everything?
You've replayed conversations. Read the books. Talked to friends. Asked ChatGPT. Tried to understand why they couldn't just tell you what was really going on for them.
And the reassurance doesn't really help.
“You deserve better.”
“They weren't on your level.”
“You did the right thing.”
Maybe. But that's not really what you're asking.
You want to know what was going on for them. How they experienced you. What was yours to own and what wasn't. Whether there was something you weren't seeing then that you can see now.
Because if you can understand what actually happened, maybe you can make sure you don't find yourself here again.
Some days you miss them. Other days you're furious. You wonder whether you were too much. Whether you pushed too hard. Whether you became too distant or shut down too soon.
And somewhere in all of that is the question your mind keeps returning to:
Was there something I could have done differently?
Understanding what happened matters. But there are limits to what you can know.
I'm not going to tell you to stop analyzing it.
We can look at the relationship together. We can get curious about what may have been happening for your partner, how the two of you affected each other, and the patterns that kept repeating between you.
I actually like understanding this stuff too.
But there is a point where useful reflection can turn into trying to solve a question that may not have a complete answer.
Some of what was happening inside your partner may always remain a best guess.
There is one inner world we can know much more deeply: yours.
Maybe when they pulled away, you started explaining.
When you felt helpless, you started fixing.
When you weren't heard, eventually something in you shut down.
Instead of asking only, Why did they do that? we can also ask:
What happened inside me when they did?
Maybe underneath all the explaining was helplessness.
Under the fixing was fear.
Under the anger was loneliness.
Under the shutting down was disappointment you weren't sure what to do with.
It happened. It hurt. It mattered. It meant something.
We don't have to choose between understanding what happened and feeling what happened.
We can do both.
When the feelings underneath all that thinking finally get some room, something begins to shift. You don't have to force yourself to move on. The questions don't need answers quite as urgently.
How We Shift The Pattern
STEP 1
Map What Happened
We’ll look at the patterns between you, what may have been happening for your partner, and what happened inside you in response.
The goal isn’t to decide who was right. It’s to understand what happened without assuming that understanding it means you could have controlled the outcome.
STEP 2
Work With What’s Still Activated
The part that needs to understand. The part that’s furious. The part that still loves them. The part that wonders if you wanted too much.
We’ll get curious about what each response is trying to do for you, what might be underneath it, and what it needs now.
STEP 3
Make Room for What Comes Next
As the urgency settles, you can see yourself and the relationship more clearly.
You can understand your part without putting yourself on trial, feel less urgency around the questions you can't answer, and have more room for whatever comes next.
Things start taking up a different amount of space.
You can think about your former partner without the memory activating everything it used to.
You can remember things you regret without immediately putting yourself back on trial.
You feel less compelled to understand the why behind every response—or nonresponse.
There is more internal quiet, even when you don't know exactly what's next.
You have more room for friendships, hobbies, work, ideas, and the rest of your life.
Future relationships can feel slower and more reciprocal.
You don't have to immediately show someone everything you are or figure out how to make the relationship work.
You can let yourself be discovered.
What if you don't know whether you want to stay or leave?
You don't need to know before you come in.
I work with individuals, and I'm not invested in whether you stay married or get divorced.
We can take seriously what's happening in your relationship: the unequal load, the conversations that go nowhere, the needs that aren't being met. We can also notice what happens inside you.
When do you start doing more because you're afraid of what will happen if you don't?
When do you shut down to protect yourself from disappointment?
When does trying become a way of avoiding the possibility that your partner may not be able to meet you in the way you need?
Do less without giving up.
You can put some of that energy back into yourself and see more clearly what's actually here: what your partner is offering, what you need, and whether the two can coexist.
The goal isn't to make the decision for you.
It's to help the decision feel less like an emergency.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
A Few Things You Might Be Wondering
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No. I only work with individuals.
You may already be in couples therapy and want support for your side of things. You may be thinking about separating, in the middle of a divorce, or trying to make sense of a relationship that's already ended.
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You're probably already thinking about it. A lot.
The goal isn't to spend an hour each week retelling the same story. We'll notice what's happening inside you as you tell it and work with what's underneath the analyzing, fixing, replaying, and trying to understand.
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Of course you might.
You can love them and be angry with them. Miss them and know you don't want to go back. Feel relieved and devastated.
We can make room for all of those parts without forcing them to agree.
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I get it. I love understanding things too.
If there's something to understand, I'm probably going to want to understand it with you.
I also know when understanding has become a way to avoid feeling something harder, or when we've reached the frustrating reality that there may not be an explanation available to us.
Part of our work is learning the difference.
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We can look at that too.
Maybe you pushed too hard. Shut down. Said something you regret. Stayed longer than you wanted to. Left in a way you wish you'd handled differently.
We can look honestly at your part without putting you on trial.
Curiosity and compassion don't mean condoning every behavior. They give us enough room to understand what was happening inside you, take responsibility where it belongs, and respond differently in the future.
Your life gets bigger again.
Moving forward doesn't mean you never think about them.
You might miss them. Feel angry. Feel sad about the life you thought you would have together.
The difference is that those feelings don't have to become an emergency.
You notice them. You let yourself feel them. And they move.
Then one day, you realize you're thinking about other things again. A friendship. Something happening at work. A hobby you've gotten excited about. An idea you can't stop thinking about.
Not because you've finally figured out the perfect explanation for what happened.